College admissions season brings out the best, and sometimes the worst, in parents. In the newest episode of Sex and the City’s iconic reboot, And Just Like That, Charlotte (Kristin Davis) and Lisa Todd Wexley (Nicole Ari Parker) show us what happens when ambitious parents become a little too obsessive. Spoiler: it’s not pretty.
As Charlotte and Lisa scramble to get the best college counselor for their rising high school seniors, it eventually becomes so intense that both the moms and children end up spiraling instead. Coming from two teens who just went through the process just a year ago, we remember how conflicting this time can be for rising seniors: choosing where they’ll be for the next four years while dealing with a constant fear of rejection. Many worry they haven’t taken enough APs, have participated in too few extracurriculars, or are even, like Charlotte and Lisa’s children, too well-rounded. Although the show can be outlandish at times, it depicts the real apprehension that many teens and their parents struggle with while going through this process. So, how can you avoid becoming them?
The two of us, a rising sophomore and a rising junior in college, have had contrasting application experiences that radically differed by the approaches that our parents took.
Sophie:
When I watched Charlotte and Lisa panic over landing the best college counselor, it felt bizarrely familiar. They were two glamorous, neurotic mothers barreling into full-blown admissions mania. And their already ambitious kids? Wilted. Numb. Visibly cracking under the weight of their mothers’ motivation.
There was one Christmas, during my junior year of high school, when my stocking was light on candy and heavy on college prep. I unwrapped a shiny SAT/ACT practice guide with a red bow on it, as if it were some sacred gift. “Start early!” my mom said cheerily, as if she had handed me a sweater. I laughed because, well, what else could I do? But deep down, I felt the quiet constriction of something tightening inside of me. A sense that my childhood had officially been declared over.
What I really wanted was a December without deadlines — a moment where she looked at me as her daughter instead of a future applicant. I wanted her to ask me what I was dreaming about, not what I was preparing for.
Esme:
On the other side of the spectrum was the experience I had with my parents. They were never the type to nudge me in particular directions; they sat back while I cultivated pros and cons lists, weighing possible majors and campuses. They made sure that I knew the process was mine and that they were in the stands cheering me on, ready to assist when needed. As a parent, it can be easy to fall victim to catastrophizing every minute detail and become a “momager”, but it’s important to take a step back, at the very least for you and your child’s sanity.
I remember sitting down with my parents in July, fresh off a Zoom with my college counselor, and making a list of schools that I wanted to apply to with my parents. They kept their opinions to themselves, solely butting in when they noticed a school’s English program was too understaffed or the class sizes were too large. They waited for me to come to them, reading my personal essay only when my college counselor and I had perfected it, taking me to the schools that I asked to see, and sitting with me at the kitchen table as I pressed submit.
Though wildly unalike, both of our experiences are common in America’s current culture. Yet while these two approaches might gain similar end results, both journeys were not experienced with equal sanity.
Finding the delicate balance between ensuring your child gets into college and allowing them to make their own decisions is difficult, but not impossible. Having open and continuous conversations about where you want the process to take your teen and what they need in the early days of the application process will save you both many sleepless nights. If Charlotte and Lisa had initiated that sort of conversation before stalking and bribing a college counselor, their children could have avoided a “crash out” entirely.
After acting as a role model to your child since the day they were born, how you behave during the college process is no different. It’s simple enough: overwhelmed parents make stressed-out teens.
Before you go, brush up on what the kids are saying these days.
