DEAR DEIDRE: MY husband died in a work accident three years ago.
Now I’m sharing a bed with his brother but we can’t tell anyone.
When my husband fell from a roof three years ago, I was devastated.
He was the only man I’d ever loved. He was 29 and I was 28. We’d been married for a year.
I’ve always been close with his family. His brother was my rock through that terrible time.
His brother is 34 and divorced. During the week he would check up on me and we would spend longer together at weekends. He’d pull up with a picnic in the car or tell me that we were going to the coast. He was charming and respectful.
My late husband and his brother were close but they are very different characters. Still, when I close my eyes sometimes I think he sounds just like my husband.
We were at the beach one Saturday and it had been such a perfect day we decided to get some dinner before catching the train home.
During our meal, he asked whether I’d consider dating.
When I said yes, he said, “Would you consider dating me?”. I was shocked but at that moment realised that deep down, I’d had feelings for him for a long time.
We ended up booking a room in a pretty B&B and had an amazing night together.
The sex was passionate and emotional because of the connection with my husband.
We are now meeting regularly but nobody else knows.
His parents have said to me that they know I’ll move on and they would give me their blessing — but they are so old-fashioned, I doubt they would accept this.
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DEIDRE SAYS: Both of you are consenting adults and you can do as you wish. If your in-laws loved you and welcomed you into the family before, after such a tragedy, happiness for their son and for you may be their ultimate wish.
The brothers will no doubt have similar traits, hence the attraction for you, but you do need to ensure that you have some bereavement counselling, so that you can be certain this man is right for you.
Be wary of unconsciously trying to replace the husband you loved so much.
My support pack called Coping With Bereavement will show you where to find emotional support.
When you feel more confident about the reasons you’re together, you can work out how to tackle your in-laws. Good luck!
Get in touch with Deidre
Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
Send an email to deardeidre@the-sun.co.uk
You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page.
MUM AND WIFE ARE SWORN ENEMIES
DEAR DEIDRE: WHEN my mum is in our house with my wife I can’t relax. They hate each other.
I’m a 41-year-old man and an only child. Mum is 67 and I guess she never imagined me leaving home.
But when I met my wife through a friend, it was love at first sight. We moved in together within six months and bought a house when I got a promotion at work.
The issue is, it’s 200 miles away from Mum. She never liked the fact my relationship happened quickly or that I moved away. She sees my wife as the catalyst.
My wife doesn’t like my mother because she’s critical of her cooking and laundry skills – everything she used to do for me, really.
When Mum comes to stay, it’s for a week at a time and there are always fireworks. What can I do?
DEIDRE SAYS: I’m afraid you have to sort this out. Your mum has to accept that you’re a grown man.
Have a word with her, explaining that while nobody can replace her, it is upsetting if she’s critical of your wife in her own home. Tell her that you want her to try to get along.
Maybe there are some activities or outings that would take them away from home, which may ease the pressure.
When your mother next decides to visit, take some holiday from work so that you are there to dilute the situation.
MY MAN HAD SEX WITH A BLOKE AND GAVE ME STI
DEAR DEIDRE: I SET a honey trap for my husband and he fell for it hook, line and sinker.
It was because I’d caught gonorrhoea from him – but the worst thing was, he’d caught it from another man.
It shouldn’t matter how he caught it, but it’s made my marriage feel like a sham. I’m a 34 year old woman and my husband is 37. We’ve been together for ten years.
When my doctor told me what I had, I looked at my husband’s iPad and was horrified to find messages from several other men. Some mentioned the sex they had enjoyed. The messages always coincided with me being on nights.
I registered with the site myself, posing as a man and I reached out to him. He took the bait and went along to meet ‘Tony’ – but, of course, it was me.
He was shocked, denying he’d done anything wrong. I’ve thrown him out but now he’s hassling me, saying he wants me back.
DEIDRE SAYS: If he’s not able to be honest about his cheating or sexuality, it’s hard to see how you can recover from this.
He has betrayed your trust. You now have evidence he’s willing to cheat, jeopardising your sexual health.
Nobody deserves that. Please make an appointment for STI treatment.
An impartial counsellor will help you decide what to do now. Find support at tavistockrelationships.org, 020 7380 1975).
ANONYMOUS TEXT SAYS SHE CHEATS
DEAR DEIDRE: I AM too scared to tackle my wife about her “boyfriend” in case what I’ve heard about her is true and our marriage is over.
We’ve been together 11 years and I love her to bits. She’s 41 and I’m 45. She never learnt to drive because she was brought up in London, but after we met, we moved out to the countryside.
She had a part-time job in a village shop and I work for an engineering company. She started behaving a bit differently, taking more pride in her appearance but I thought it was all for my benefit.
Then she started asking me for lifts into town to “meet some friends”, which I didn’t mind doing.
I was at home one evening watching TV when I got a WhatsApp message from a number I didn’t know saying: “Sorry mate, but I’ve just seen your wife kissing another guy.”
I tried phoning the WhatsApp number, but the call was declined.
Things are falling into place and I am wondering whether I’ve been giving her a lift so that she can meet this guy. She knows something is wrong and keeps asking if I’m OK but I don’t know what to say.
DEIDRE SAYS: Allowing this to fester is going to make you more angry and upset.
Find a quiet moment together and tell her why you’ve been acting so out of character. Explain about the message and listen carefully to how she handles the confrontation.
You’ll know pretty much straight away from her body language if she’s lying. If she says they are friends, ask if you can meet him.
If something has made your wife have her head turned, you need to know what it is so you can do something to improve your relationship.
My support pack, Cheating – Can You Get Over It? may help you see that it’s not definitely over just yet.
