DEAR DEIDRE: EVER since I started dating this great guy at work, someone has been waging a nasty campaign against me.
At first it was lies all over his socials, and mine, from an anonymous account, saying I was cheating on him.
I managed to convince him that none of the accusations were true but I’m worried that their latest stunt is getting to him.
We’ve been together for six months but as soon as he posted pictures of both of us together, the lies started.
Thankfully the first lie they told was easy to disprove. When we went public, I posted a lovely photo of the two of us hugging and tagged him in.
Within the hour someone commented from an anonymous account ‘hang on? I didn’t realise you were in a relationship otherwise I would never have stayed the night with you last weekend.’
What they didn’t know was I spent every single minute of that weekend at my boyfriend’s so the lies didn’t stack up.
My boyfriend and I decided to ignore the comments, hoping whoever it was would get bored but they just kept repeating other untruths on his socials.
Eventually we blocked the account but as soon as we’d blocked them, they would start up another.
At first I felt it was us against this faceless saboteur, but now I can see in his eyes that he isn’t quite sure about me any more.
Their latest trick is to accuse me of being a prostitute. They posted a link to an escort site saying I had a secret past and sure enough there was a profile where they had used my photo.
They have clearly cropped an image from my social media but I don’t feel like my boyfriend is behind me any longer.
And to be honest, I’m not sure that I want to be with someone who hasn’t got my back anyway.
I’m devastated and feel so anxious. I used to consider myself a quietly confident person but now I feel like hiding away.
I’m sure everyone at work thinks there is some truth in these lies. Whenever I walk into a room, I can’t help but notice the nudges, long looks and suddenly no one seems that interested in chatting to me.
I don’t want to let this malicious person win but I’m getting so tired. I wish I could make them stop and go back to how we were.
HOW TO REBUILD TRUST
You thought you were heading off into the sunset together but then an unexpected curveball comes spinning into your relationship and shatters the once unwavering trust you had.
Perhaps they have started to hold back in conversations with you and you can feel an emotional gulf looming, or maybe they have become more attached to their phone making you acutely aware there’s an unknown presence threatening your status quo.
Worse still, you’ve discovered they’ve cheated physically or emotionally.
Whatever the cause, when the trust crumbles between a couple, it can spell the beginning of the downfall.
Only if you are both dedicated to working at rebuilding that trust has the relationship got a chance.
Here are my trust re-enforcing tips:
- You’ve got to be prepared to talk about your worries to your partner.
- They have to be prepared to listen and reassure you, taking your concerns seriously.
- They also have to show genuine remorse and understand how their actions damaged your confidence in them.
- You both need to be ready to be honest about any issues in your relationship, without being unkind. This is about wanting to improve your connection, not blame one another.
- You both need to have the capacity to be consistent in your actions, proving you can be relied upon and ultimately trusted.
- Agree to have regular check-ins spending quality time together where you put all tech away and find out what is going on for the other in their life.
- Be patient. Rebuilding trust isn’t a quick fix, especially if someone has cheated, it can take months, years even, of regular reassurance to find the more stable ground.
- And this is a biggie – you both have to be ready to forgive, or be forgiven and let all that resentment go.
DEIDRE SAYS: You’re fighting on two fronts; firstly you’re dealing with this awful unsettling harassment and secondly you’re facing the diminishing trust in your relationship.
It is of course disappointing that your boyfriend seems to be questioning you – and actually on a practical level makes little sense.
He knew from the start these slurs were fabricated so why would he now start believing that you worked as a prostitute – even when you insist this is a lie.
Does he not see that it is at the very least a coincidence?
It would be worth letting him know you feel he is pulling away and that you’re worried he’s starting to believe the untruths.
He could be distancing himself, not because he doesn’t believe you but because he’s getting tired of the drama and wants a return to a care-free life.
While the malice is being directed at you, his life and reputation are also being scrutinised.
But you’re only going to find out what is going through his mind if he is willing to talk.
In terms of this harassment, it’s really important that you start to record every incident.
Don’t interact with this person at all if they make any new contact with you or your boyfriend.
It would be advisable if you and your boyfriend make your social accounts private to stop this individual from accessing your private lives.
It’s also a good idea to let any friend, family and managers know what you are going through, they may be able to help gather more evidence of this harassment and even help protect you.
And be wary of the sort of content that you post on your social platforms – it all helps build a picture of your life and can easily provide material for anyone with ill intent.
Also, contact the administrators of the escort site and ask them to take down your photo, they have a legal obligation to remove fake profiles. If they don’t do anything, contact the web hosting company.
I’m afraid you are the victim of harassment and stalking and you would be very wise to report these incidents to the police.
You can also get in touch with the Suzy Lamplugh Trust (suzylamplugh.org) who can offer further advice.
Dear Deidre’s Harassment Files
Deidre’s mailbag is full of harassment and stalking problems. One reader was left stressed and worried after a former friend was sending him malicious texts; another from a different subscriber who was living in fear after being stalked by a woman he went on a date with, while one woman was afraid to leave her home after receiving chilling messages from her husband’s lover.
Get in touch with the Dear Deidre team
Every problem gets a personal reply from one of our trained counsellors.
Sally Land is the Dear Deidre Agony Aunt. She achieved a distinction in the Certificate in Humanistic Integrative Counselling, has specialised in relationships and parenting. She has over 20 years of writing and editing women’s issues and general features.
Passionate about helping people find a way through their challenges, Sally is also a trustee for the charity Family Lives. Her team helps up to 90 people every week.
Sally took over as The Sun’s Agony Aunt when Deidre Sanders retired from the The Dear Deidre column four years ago.
The Dear Deidre Team Of Therapists Also Includes:
Kate Taylor: a sex and dating writer who is also training to be a counsellor. Kate is an advisor for dating website OurTime and is the author of five self-help books.
Jane Allton: a stalwart of the Dear Deidre for over 20 years. Jane is a trained therapist, who specialises in family issues. She has completed the Basic Counselling Skills Level 1, 2, and 3. She also achieved the Counselling and Psychotherapy (CPCAB) Level 2 Certificate in Counselling Studies.
Catherine Thomas: with over two decades worth of experience Catherine has also trained as a therapist, with the same credentials as Jane. She specialises in consumer and relationship issues.
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