PILING bikinis and slinky dresses into my suitcase, I picture the blazing sunshine, endless cocktails and white sandy beaches that await me in Thailand.
For 11 nights, my husband of five years, Matt, 38, and I will be thousands of miles away from the grey drudgery of life in England – including the demands of ‘mum life’.
Lucy Johnstone, 36, reveals why leaving her two-year-old while she holidays makes her a better wife and parent[/caption]
Lucy with partner Matt and daughter Heather[/caption]
Lucy spent two nights away for a hen do[/caption]
Bye bye stinky nappies, food-spattered highchairs and sleepless nights.
Because my then-19-month-old daughter, Heather, will be staying with her grandma while Matt, a videographer, and I soak up the sun at our friends’ wedding, halfway across the world.
Our trip to Thailand is just one of 16 times that I’ve left Heather behind since she was born in April 2022.
A recent government study revealed that women spend three times as much time as men providing routine childcare.
And, on average, women spend more than twice the time caring for children without their partners than men.
When Heather was six months old, we left her with her grandma, Alexandra, 58, while Matt and I jetted to Bucharest, Romania, for five nights.
And last year she had another three nights at grandma’s while we went on an ‘ale train’ tour between Stalybridge, Greater Manchester, and Batley, West Yorks.
I’ve also left her alone with Matt for multiple weekends. I went to see Taylor Swift three times, in Liverpool and London, and I’ve been on two hen dos, a girly spa break and a weekend away to celebrate a friend’s birthday in Scarborough.
Most recently, in February this year, Matt and I enjoyed a six-night holiday with friends in Warsaw, Poland.
In fact, Heather stayed with her grandma an extra two nights after our return so we could celebrate another friend’s 40th back home.
I know I should be riddled with mum guilt and that I should love every moment with my child and never want to be away from her.
But I simply don’t.
While I am a mum – a job I love – I still like spending time with friends or enjoying the company of just my husband.
And to be the best mum to Heather that I can be, it’s important that I nurture and invest time in all those other parts of myself as well.
I don’t believe it’s healthy – for you, your relationship, or your child – to be all-consumed by motherhood.
Heather will fly the nest one day and I want Matt and I to still enjoy being in each other’s company after she’s gone.
You see people whose children have left and they realise they’ve grown apart when they’re children move out and it worries me that this might happen to us.
I don’t believe it’s healthy – for you, your relationship, or your child – to be all-consumed by motherhood
I want to do everything I can to keep our bond as a couple strong.
I’ve seen too many mothers break from the stress of carrying the bulk of the parental load.
When you’re the default parent for bedtimes, night wake-ups, mealtimes, playtimes, play dates, soft plays, outdoor activities and all the tantrums in between, it leaves no time for anything else.
No wonder so many mothers snap.
Lucy on a city break in Bucharest with Matt[/caption]
Lucy and Matt glamping in the Lake District for two nights[/caption]
The couple spent their wedding anniversary at a spa for two nights[/caption]
The pair in Thailand for a wedding[/caption]
Sometimes I’m made to feel guilty by people who have never left their children.
But I think they’re making a rod for their own back by not allowing them to be independent – imagine when they eventually spend the first night away and neither parent nor child can cope.
Social media is definitely one to avoid – I posted a question on Reddit asking for advice when we left Heather for five days when she was four months old and got a lot of negative comments.
Before Heather was born, I knew I wanted Matt to be a 50/50 dad.
He knows I couldn’t tolerate sitting at home with a baby on my hip 24/7.
And I knew him well enough to know he’d want to be a hands-on dad, forging his own relationship with Heather with me out of the way.
PARTYING AT FESTIVAL
He told me he would want to spend time with Heather independently of me and that it was going to be important for both of us to do things for ourselves.
We also knew we’d want to be the kind of parents that still went out together after Heather was born.
With that in mind, we pre-emptively bought tickets for Boomtown – a five-day theatre and music festival in Hampshire – in August 2022.
Heather would be four months old then and her grandma had agreed to look after her for five nights.
We have been blessed with an ‘easy’ child and Heather slept relatively well as a tiny baby and didn’t seem to be so attached to either one of us that it would be a problem to leave her.
We introduced her to grandma and left them for a couple of hours on numerous occasions in between her being born in April and us going to the festival four months later.
It was harder for me than Matt purely from a physical point of view, because I was still breastfeeding and had to pump on a regular basis.
The phone signal was also poor, so I often couldn’t download the numerous videos my mum sent of what she and Heather were getting up to.
NO REGRETS
I felt emotional when I saw the videos but a friend who was with me who’d also left her son told me that I was already at the festival so I might as well enjoy it and she was right.
We had a brilliant time and didn’t regret it once.
Lucy spent five nights away to have fun at Boomtown Festival[/caption]
My mum absolutely adores Heather and they have such a gorgeous relationship because they’ve been able to spend so much time together.
Matt’s mum, Jacky Johnstone, 70, also loves babysitting.
Of course, it’s not always smooth sailing.
Heather was quite clingy when we got back from Thailand. I think she had felt the fact we’d been apart for eleven nights.
Matt and I won’t stop living our own lives while being parents and we’re already planning five days away without Heather this summer
Of course I did feel slightly guilty but I made sure to spend lots of one-on-one time with her and enjoyed the extra cuddles.
I knew she was happy and safe and that my mum was flourishing as a grandma and it was a chance for us to do a once-in-a-lifetime trip that we thought would be out of reach when we had a child.
And before our most recent trip, Heather said: “Are you leaving again, Mummy?” which created instant pangs of guilt.
But I know she’s safe and having a great time when we’re away and, more importantly, Matt and I have filled our own cups, meaning we’re ready to be the best parents we can be when we get back.
After being apart from her, I’m ready to change those stinky nappies again, and I want to get up to comfort her if she wakes in the middle of the night.
After a break, I don’t resent all the mundane things mums who never get time to themselves do.
Matt and I won’t stop living our own lives while being parents and we’re already planning five days away without Heather this summer in Italy for another one of my friend’s weddings.
People can judge me as much as they want, but I know I’m a better mother and my marriage is stronger because of the choices I make.
The mum at her third Taylor Swift gig the following August[/caption]
Lucy having a blast during a Christmas party weekend with friends[/caption]
LUCY’S TRIPS AWAY
August 2022 – Boomtown Festival for five nights.
October 2022 – Bucharest with Matt for six nights.
December 2022 – Christmas party weekend with Matt and friends for two nights.
February 2023 – Spa weekend with friend for two nights.
April 2023 – Hen do for two nights. Heather was a year old.
May 2023 – Hen do for two nights.
June 2023 – Glamping together in the Lake District for two nights.
July 2023 – Wedding anniversary at a spa for two nights.
November 2023 – Thailand for a wedding with Matt for 11 nights.
December 2023 – Christmas party weekend with Matt for two nights.
June 2024 – Two Taylor Swift concerts with friends and celebrating Matt’s birthday with friends. Two separate times of two nights away.
August 2024 – Third Taylor Swift concert – away two nights.
December 2024 – Christmas party weekend with friends for two nights.
February 2025 – Girls’ weekend to Scarborough for two nights.
February 2025 – Holiday to Warsaw with Matt and friends – away for eight nights in total. Heather was 34 months.
